


Capsize

by inatrice



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Introspection, M/M, Real Trauma Hours, Shiro's not okay, This is set like smack dab in the middle of season 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-30 15:35:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12656400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inatrice/pseuds/inatrice
Summary: Your silhouette is burned in my memoryRubble left from the moment that you left meOh my God, oh my God





	Capsize

**Author's Note:**

> I know I said I was gonna try and write happy Sheith but life happened so I wrote out a cathartic Shiro study instead because s4 is art imitating life at the moment. Unbetaed and posted late so bear with me~
> 
> Title and summary are from Capsize by Frenship because it's been Big Mood and also it's prime s4 Sheith angsty song.

To say it had hurt when he agreed to let Keith leave was an understatement. Sure he had been angry and disappointed in the moment, but that didn't mean his love for Keith had lessened by any means, even if it wasn't something they had addressed out loud. Of course, Shiro would never hold Keith back. It was the last thing he wanted. And even if he was back in the Black Lion, even if he was back at the head of Voltron, where Keith wanted him to be, who was he to dictate Keith's life? Keith had never let anyone tell him what to do, stubborn as he was. Once his mind was set he couldn't be deterred. And the Blades needed members. It was never Shiro's choice to make.

Things had been tumultuous at best since he'd been back. Team Voltron had been hard at work while he'd been with the Galra. Again. They'd grown without him, as individuals and as a team. Even if Keith did seem more closed off than before. But Shiro couldn't blame him, not really. Not when he'd come back more broken than he was before. He'd spent his first week back at the Castle hidden away in Keith's room; after he'd had the breakdown in front of the whole team. He'd been relying on Keith so heavily, and maybe he always had, but he wanted to change, to get better, to _be_ better. He _needed_ to prove that the Glara couldn't break him, to his team but mostly to himself. Maybe that's why he hadn't even noticed he was closing himself off from Keith as well.

Just like he didn't notice the gaping hole that had settled itself in the center of his chest the moment the doors slid closed as Keith walked away from him.

Shiro had thrown himself into the coalition work. He didn't give himself time to think about the empty spot at the dinner table or the missing presence that had always seemed to hover a few feet behind him; didn't let himself miss the company that used to come to his room at night to vent and decompress and eventually laugh and heal. It had been deteriorating since his return anyway.

He had been blatantly ignoring the oncoming storm that was Keith's departure. It wasn't a loud and violent thing, but a slowly building thunderstorm that left the whole world as dark as night. And now he was ignoring the storm raging inside of him. Given enough time, it had to pass, right? He would move on, the team would adjust just as they always did, and Keith would have his freedom and a chance to learn who he was. It was space they needed, room to grow themselves and move away from this perilous codependency they'd developed. Shiro might love Keith, but he would be damned if he ended up being his downfall.

But the Voltron shows came to their eventual stop. The busyness died down as they began to regroup to continue the intergalactic war, and Shiro found himself alone with his thoughts. The rest of the team were just as caught up in their own things, Pidge with Matt's return, Hunk with his diplomacy, and Lance with his….Lance things. He'd shown his weakness to them once, let the façade of fearless leader slip in the worst way in front of them and he couldn't let it happen again. He wasn't broken, he wasn't beyond fixing, he was _fine damnit._

He was fine, even if at night, alone in his room, he couldn't breathe around the crater in his chest. He was fine, even if some days when he woke up he found he didn't have enough energy to breathe. He was fine, even if his only source of comfort and confidence had slipped out of his grasp.

He'd just let Keith leave. He hadn't fought the decision, hadn't fought its arrival. He'd just rolled over and let it happen. And now he was drowning and it was his own fault. He might not ever be the reason Keith held himself back, but that didn't mean he couldn't blame himself for fucking everything up.

Shiro still got up every day to greet his team and hop into his Lion. He knew they could see the strain in his smile, the bags under his eyes, dark enough to look like he'd lost a fight. He knew they could see him standing off at the edges of the lounge instead of with them on the couch like he used to. They didn't say anything and neither did he. It was fine. Besides, Shiro had never wanted to be a burden.

It was better this way, he told himself.

Every once in a while he would get the odd message from Keith when the newest member of the Blades had down time or a particularly exciting story of one of his missions. And Shiro did likewise. They shared their battle stories and still told each other words of encouragement, but it was different and they both knew it. He meant every word he sent – _You're doing great, your work is helping immensely, I'm proud of you_ – but despite his best efforts, Shiro could feel his sentiments ringing just this side of empty. The shift in their relationship ate away at him every day, the hole in his chest growing to the point where he couldn't ignore it anymore.

The pain weighed him down, but he fought it tooth and nail, making sure no one else would be crushed under his failures. Shiro found himself wanting to turn to Keith at night when he lay in bed staring at the ceiling, his normal outlet, his well of strength. But he always turned to an empty space and instead swallowed it down to ignore for another day.

He missed Keith, dearly. And there was no way to bring him back. It wasn't even just that he missed the man he loved, he missed having his best friend by his side. He missed Keith's warmth, his stalwart and endless support. He missed his laugh and the soft look he would get on his face whenever they let their gazes linger just a bit too long. He missed Keith's hand on his shoulder. He missed their easy banter and easier company.

He'd taken for granted that he'd always have it, _have Keith_ , and look where it left him.

But Shiro was nothing if not a soldier. He packed the thoughts and the feelings away each day and shouldered them with a smile as he faced his team, his friends, _the universe_ , and continued to press on.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for taking the time to read this! I promise I'll be posting things with more substance soon, I just gotta get out of this slump lol. There are happier things in the works so please stay tuned! Ilu
> 
> In the meantime, come yell about sad space boys with me on Twitter @inatrice!


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